Things you shouldnt feel around christmas time

Sitting here in school wondering what it would be like to be able to escape the cruelness of people and the crazy emotions im constantly having. Some days are so bad i go home and cut just a little bit. Not enough to really hurt myself to much just feel a little pain and see a little blood. I then put my bleeding wrist to my mouth and suck the bright red blood off my face. Wiping the blood off from around my mouth i then feel my self cry again. I feel the heart ache and the anger in my throat its almost unbearable. I make another cut on my wrist watching it bleed. I then feel a sudden happiness one that makes me grin real big. But some days I almost dont even get by so lucky some days i go into the girls bathroom. i look in the mirror and say this is it this is the end you wont feel any pain anymore if you just die. I think of the pleasure it would bring me. But i dont i always get to scared. But what do i have to lose.